Anyone who knows me well knows that I have no problem speaking my mind, pushing back, or discussing the hard topics. As a surprise to no one, I have also met some bosses and leaders along the way who did not appreciate my candor. While usually my high EQ and many years of work experience help me make credible and compelling arguments, there are times when these individuals just cannot be swayed. My initial thought is to just leave and find a new job, however, we also know that leaving isn’t always an option. In situations when you are in a losing power struggle with someone in higher authority, the best approach is actually akin to sucking it up and shutting up. No need to be a martyr.
A few years ago, I was stuck working with a new boss who just did not seem to like me and couldn’t really articulate why. This new boss was making a lot of new changes and not only taking a direction that I wasn’t always comfortable with, but also dictating how things should be implemented without feedback from the people who do the implementation (aka people like me). My knee jerk reaction is always to “fight the good fight” and stand up for what I believe by making my objections known. I tried a variety of different ways to communicate with this leader and try to push back. However, there didn’t seem to be anything that I could do or say to change this leader’s mind and any prolonged arguing would just be ammo they could use to fire me. I cared about the development of my immediate team and quite frankly the money was really good, so I wanted to find a way to last a few more months at the company without a target on my back. What I found is that in situations like this, sometimes the best approach is to acquiesce…at least in the short term.
Articulate Your Goals
Conflict management and mediation expert Peter Coleman explores this tactic, which he calls “strategic appeasement” in his book “Making Conflict Work”. When in a conflict with a person in higher authority who is not responding to cooperative measures, it’s actually best to do very little. The key here is to focus on your personal goals and why you are staying in this role and situation. For me, my goal was to make it to my work anniversary, hire a few more managers to help set the team up for success after I left, and kick off my job search so that I’d be able to start a new job shortly after leaving. By identifying what I was getting out of staying in this less than comfortable situation, I was able to focus on that instead of the conflict at work.
Yes Sir!
Once you have your goals and/or timeline in mind, now your focus needs to be on minimizing the conflict between you and this superior. How do you do that? By doing the opposite of what you want to do. That’s right…you say “yes”. A lot. The key here is to really pick your battles. If it’s not going to result in immediate and imminent disaster, then agree to the plan that is suggested. This will make your boss think you are on their side, reduce tensions, and buy yourself goodwill which you can “cash in” later to disagree when you really need to.
The Vanishing Act
Another method you can use to survive is finding opportunities to “disappear” from your boss’s view. When I couldn’t stand my being around my boss I started to find ways to avoid this boss when they were in the office. I’d pay attention to their travel schedule and try and ensure I was very busy in meetings the days they were in the office. I would also send my direct reports to cover some meetings where I wasn’t that necessary as an attendee. By avoiding meetings and interactions that aren’t necessary, you will first save your sanity by reducing the amount of time spent with this person. Another benefit is that it will keep the focus on all the times you said “yes” to them. Think of it this way, the only times you interact with your boss are when you have been agreeable and supportive of their plans. This may make them see you in a different light and thus continue to work to reduce the tensions.
Create Dependency
Now just because you are acquiescing in the short term doesn’t mean you have to completely roll over. There are subtle techniques you can use to take back the power over time. This requires some skill but Coleman recommends that you start to make your boss dependent on you by taking over some strategic tasks. Do you have some institutional knowledge about a process or particular task? Utilize that to take more and more control over that task so your boss becomes dependent on you to get that work done. And this is why it’s really important to first become more agreeable. Once you become more supportive of the boss, it will trigger less defensiveness and paranoia when they discover they are reliant on you for getting certain tasks completed.
Build Your Support
One of the most important tactics that can be completed by anyone is to build your allies and network with others within the organization. Whenever you are dealing with a boss or superior you can’t stand, it’s important to find support elsewhere in the organization. First, this may give you the opportunity to swap stories and notes with others who feel the same. There’s nothing worse than thinking you are the only one feeling a way about someone. Second, by creating strong connections with other key teammates and departments, it helps bolster your reputation and it becomes harder for your boss to talk negatively about you. Third, there is sometimes strength in numbers where you can actually “punish” this superior for their bad behavior. In a study of Japanese office women and their bosses, Yuko Ogasawara found that the women would band together against men who treated their executive secretaries badly by turning in reports late or overlooking glaring errors. This behavior would make the executive look bad and any complaints about the women would make him look worse for not being able to handle managing women. The point is, there is power in numbers.
In general, it can feel disheartening or even infuriating to have to work with someone who has more power than you and whom you can’t seem to impact. The ultimate tactic for dealing with this is to find yourself somewhere else to go whether its a different team, department, company, or even industry. However, there are realities that need to be managed and so it can take time to create other options for yourself. In the meantime, by employing these tactics strategically you can reduce the negative interactions between you and this individual, shift your superior’s perception of you, and begin to take back a bit of power (and dignity).*
(Writer’s Note: Just in case you were wondering, this article does NOT apply to when blatant HR violations are occurring in your workplace. In those cases, please follow your company’s policy for documenting and reporting issues.)
